Marriage Struggles

My first marriage lasted WAY too long and was full of mental abuse, and a lot of other issues. Needless to say, it played on my self-esteem ruthlessly. After the kids started coming (4 kids in 3 ½ years, and no, there were no multiple births, all single ones) that he would want to change and be a good dad for them, after all when we were dating he was always saying how much he wanted to be a dad and all of the things he wanted to do with them – all lies – he never did anything with them (1 family vacation was all and that was to go see his brother). He was not there for us financially (so of course I HAD to work), socially, spiritually, emotionally, etc.… he was just plain neglectful in his responsibilities as a husband, father, and I would even say a person. He rarely worked (except for the job he had for 5 years, the others never lasted a year with many months in between). When he was home, he was a body in front of the TV whether playing video games or watching TV, and there was no talking to him when he was doing those things, not even during commercials, or smalls breaks in the game.
 
My whole marriage, after kids, was like I was a single mom, with an adult kid (my husband). I had to do it all. Get up in the morning, get kids dressed, take them to the babysitter, go to work (always full time), get off work pick up kids, do the grocery shopping with the kids (when it needed to be done), go home and unload the groceries (he was too busy with the TV to help), put them away, fix dinner, play with kids, read to the kids (each one individually so they got their mommy time), then clean up the house. When my baby was 2, I went to college, night school, so I had to add that into my schedule. There were nights that I wouldn’t get to bed until 1 in the morning then get up at 6 to start the day all over again. And when the kids started school, add dropping them off at school after I dropped off the others at the babysitter (I wouldn’t let them wait for the bus all by themselves without me home). It was really hard, but somehow I managed. There were days that I would cry after the kids were in bed because I would be so worn out. I tried to get the husband to let me sleep in on Saturday’s but it was no go because he said he needed his sleep more than I did because he was the man of the house and that required more energy. I should have known better than to ask because he never helped with any of the kids with midnight feedings and diaper changes because he was too tired and needed his sleep.
 
Not only did I not have his help but I didn’t get it from my parents either. They didn’t like my husband at the time at all. Mom babysat a few times, but that was rare, she usually had excuses why she couldn’t. I always felt that she took out her feeling towards their dad on them, and that was sad to me. I grew up with no grandparents (3 of the 4 were dead, and my dad’s dad lived too far away to go and see and he and my dad had an estranged relationship anyways), so I wanted my kids to have lots of time with their grandparents and make memories like the ones my classmates were always telling me about. But that didn’t happen too often with my mom. Once in a while she would let them come stay overnight, but she treated them like babies, and even at the age of 5 would put them in a diaper, so they didn’t really like to go anyways. And my husband’s mom would probably have helped if she didn’t work full time as a store manager and be practically raising her other 3 grandkids from my husband’s sister. His dad was on oxygen and didn’t have the energy, stamina, or patience for taking care of kids, even the ones they were practically raising, so I never asked him to help if his wife wasn’t home. So that put the responsibility on me. I did it because I love my kids and wanted the best for them. That usually meant putting me last and sometimes I was just empty and didn’t have much to give and that’s when I’d beg either my mom or mother-in-law to help. They rarely took all 4 but something helped. There were many days I’d go to the bathroom and just cry my eyes out because I was so stressed. I’d pray and always get answers to what I needed to do to brush myself off and get going again.
 
There were so many things that I could have used his help with that he never stepped up to the plate and did. We moved so many times in the first couple of years of our marriage that I lost count after 12. He never helped pack, load, unload, or unpack a thing (even after the two babies came along, and he didn’t help watch them either). He always managed to have something else to do. When people came to help us load and unload and he played boss man and just told them what to do. I always felt bad that I couldn’t do much when I had my babies but he wouldn’t watch them and I didn’t want to leave them unattended with all those people there, especially when I didn’t know them.
 
I remember when I asked him for a divorce this heavy weight was lifted off my shoulders (heavier than I imagined it would be). I felt so light and free. I thought, “I should have done this years ago.” But I knew that I had made the choice to stay because I didn’t want my kids to come from a divorced family. What I should have seen is that they would have been better off not seeing how bad our relationship was and how negatively that affected them. Oh hindsight, if we only had it in the present, but we’d still probably mess things up differently. Then the day I found out the divorce was final there was another heavy weight lifted off me – I had no idea it was even there. I felt like I had wings and could fly!
 
Even though my first marriage was terrible and full of hard times I am grateful for the lessons I learned. I am a stronger person because of all the things that I had to face during that time. I often wonder if I would be the strong person that I am today if I hadn’t of married my ex, or if I would have learned to be strong in a different way. I’m not saying I would do it all over again because I love the person I am today and I have to credit a lot of that to my struggles. I did gain a lot of strength from my children as well. As I have watched them grow and come into their own, I have learned many things from them. They are amazing! They make me proud.
 
I figured that I would be single the rest of my life (because of my low self-esteem) and I was okay with that (why would I want to go through all that turmoil again). But lo, and behold, I met my current husband a little over 2 years later and almost 2 years after that we were married. I am his first wife so there have many changes for him to make. When we got married not only was he a husband but a father to 4 kids, one of which still lived at home. But he rose to the challenge and has done his best. I am not saying that our marriage is perfect, what marriage is? But compared to my first marriage it is.
 
Now that I am free of my first husband my self-esteem is getting better – it’s not an overnight change, or even just a one-time change, but constant work to overcome all the negativity that I heard. As I said in my last post, I have always heard that it takes 10 positives to overcome one negative. I had A LOT of years of negativity to overcome. But even as you overcome them, sometimes a memory may cause them to creep back in and you have to battle them all over again. But I am proof that progress can be made.
 
As you can tell I’ve been through a lot and came out on top. I didn’t have any help, except God’s to get me through. I didn’t ask for help because I didn’t think anyone cared enough to help and I was probably too proud to ask. It all took longer than it should because I didn’t reach out. I’ve learned that reaching out and letting others help me is the easier path because it’s not always easy to see, or acknowledge where you are, or know what you need to do. Don’t be like me and suffer alone, in silence, and feel hopeless for far too long – reach out to someone like me (a transformation specialist, aka life coach) and let me help you rise from whatever ashes life has heaped upon you, and break free.
 
Call me, Boots at (505) 644-3950, or
email me at boots.transformsme@gmail.com
 
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“You can’t rise from your circumstances without being in them first, and you can’t be in them if you don’t allow yourself to feel through them.”
                                          Unknown